Mrs. Claus’s Kimono

Bad Santa

Futurama's original "Bad Santa"

Leave it to Drive-By Truckers to write the most fucked up Christmas song EVER.  You’ll be singing this one all through next week.

Download the MP3! (Courtesy of “Sweet Static”)

I’m a sinister elf
With a sinister plan
Santa’s little helper
With too much time on my hands
He’s got a fine lookin’ wife
For such an old man
I can see her lookin’ at me
When there is no one else around.

And I’m countin’ down the days to December 24th
The old mans in his sleigh
I am sneakin’ in the back door
She asks if I know what the candy cane is for
While he’s slidin’ down the chimney
I’ll be comin’ back for more

Not really worried ’bout the old man findin’ out
‘Cuz me and Rudolph worked the whole thing out
It’s not about vengeance or anything like that
I just want a little sex
And the old man off my back
Rudy’s out for blood
‘Cuz he hates the fat old man
‘Cuz he caught him in the stables with his fat little hands
On a female reindeer he likes named Wynona
And the last thing he wants to see is Santa on her
So we’re loadin’ up the toy sack with heroin and crack
We sent Santa off to Georgia
He ain’t comin’ back
And we call up an evil green Grinch
To tell him Santa’s holdin’
And they’ll have him on the chain gang
And the electric chair
The electric chair

And there’ll be a happy ending
All you girls and all you boys
There won’t be no more Santa
There won’t be no more toys
There’ll be no stoppin’ Rudy and Wynona
And I’ll be taking off Mrs. Claus’ Kimono
I’ll be taking off Mrs. Claus’ Kimono
I’ll be taking off Mrs. Claus’ Kimono
I’ll be taking off Mrs. Claus’ Kimono

Merry Christmas!

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